Sophisticated Love Lesson #4: The Fight

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"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back" Barbara De Angelis
 

After thirty years of marriage I saw my parents fight once.  As a grew up, I believed that in relationship fighting was an indicator of  a bad or a failed relationship. During my first serious relationship, I learned that it's not about the fight but what you fight about that determines the health of a relationship. 

Issues between two people build whether they decide to deal with them or not. In any relationship, the longer issues remain dormant the worse they become and the worse the response when they are brought to light. Fighting helps with honest conversation and bringing to light issues that may have been dormant. Relationships and being with the right person has to do with feeling comfortable. When you trust someone completely, you aren't afraid of their response or their reaction. More importantly, you aren't afraid of yourself. You are confident to handle whatever happens with the relationship when you discuss them with another person.

When you are in a fight while in a relationship it is not about the fight, it is about what you are fighting about. 

One of the golden rules of relationships is that you can't change someone. Research shows that our personality is set for life by the time we are in first grade. Therefore, it is biologically impossible for a person to change after 7 years old.  

The moment you say "You never..." you need to pause. If you hear yourself or the person you're in a relationship with say those words in a fight or disagreement more than once, it is a "Pink Flag" (Sophisticated Dating Stage #5:Pink Flags)

The situation is that you are fighting for them to do something that they 1-may not like to do and/or 2- may not want to do. Those are two things that are scary for another person to accept or admit. Everyone wants to believe that everyone likes doing and wants to do something for us. Unfortunately, that is not the case. 

Therefore, in relationships, when you hear yourself say "You never..." remember that "They never and they never will" meaning that you can get someone to do something or be someone else once and that's all you can ever expect.

If you hear "You never..." several times coming out of your mouth you need to stop, end the argument, agree to disagree and take time to find yourself. You need to be honest with yourself first about what you really want before you start demanding what you want from another person.

WARNING: If a man hits you even once you need to end the relationship immediately. When you fight and you use insults, you are showing a total disregard for their feelings and who they are. Although, it is not physical abuse it is emotional abuse. Both should be avoided at all costs.

Fighting in relationships should be about small, stupid, random things. Fighting does not mean you hate or you want to punish the other person. The goal of any fight in a relationship is the desire to show that you care enough to make the relationship stronger.   

Sophisticated Love Lesson #4: The Fight: A Sophisticate knows that in a relationship it's not about the fight, it is what you are willing to fight for to keep a loving relationship alive. ;D!