The Relationship Rabbit Hole

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"Love isn't a big thing. It's a million little things" Unknown

It is the small things, the little idiosyncrasies that make a difference between a long term and a short term relationship. Do both people like those idiosyncrasies? Are both people willing to deal with those idiosyncrasies? What I've found is that those little idiosyncrasies are the ones that pose the biggest threats and make or break a relationship. 

Idiosyncrasies are called such because when a Sophisticate is first infatuated with someone you don't want to exist in reality. Then, there becomes a certain point in a new relationship, between about 4-8 months when idiosyncrasies are called what they are in reality, differences.

At this point a Sophisticate has to decide whether she wants to stay with that person. Does she want to work with those differences? (Sophisticated Love Rule #5 Deal Breakers). If she  does then a Sophisticate has to accept those differences and the other person are never going to change. 

Finally, a Sophisticate  and the person she is in a relationship has to decide whether they care enough about the relationship to discuss those differences and how they are going to work with them. If they don't, they break up but if they do they communicate (Sophisticated Love Lesson #1: Say Something, Say Anything).

This is the point where the real communication begins. Some may say that this is where the real work begins.  The getting-to-know you phase is done and all of the information gathered at this point is now being tested. Does a Sophisticate know the other person well enough to navigate the conversation?

Communication can be the solution to a problem or the problem itself. 

A Sophisticate knows that there are two golden rules when it comes to problems in a relationship. No relationship is perfect and problems are normal. Given that problems are normal working through them should be just as normal.  It's not about communicating, it's about the right way to communicate. 

discussion about a problem is not a competition

Once a discussion becomes Once one person in the relationship has a problem and they goes into the discussion wanting to be right or wanting to win, it is a recipe for neither person to win. The discussion turns into a fight and that fight can run the risk of ruining the relationship or even ending the relationship.  

Arguments are healthy if they are the right argument (Sophisticated Love Lesson #5: The Fight). In a relationship  there exists "rabbit hole" that couples fall into during disagreements, the "white rabbit" being the problem. When discussing the problem the two people in the relationship must decide whether they are going to go after each other, the problem, and follow whether one or both of the people in the relationship are going to follow it down to the point of no return or a break-up. 

The key is to recognize that neither one wants the relationship to end. When a discussion has turned into a fight, to allow each other to say whatever they need to say without taking it personally, and re-focus when it is starting to the point of no return or a potential break-up. .
A Sophisticate and the person she is in a relationship with focus on the problem not each other. When a Sophisticate is in a relationship with someone she care about and loves she works with her partner to recognize problems  "recognize the white rabbit". They do not allow their differences or the problem in their discussion go to the point of no return or a break- up. 

A Sophisticate stops following the "white rabbit" because she is not willing go down the rabbit hole where her relationship will end. A Sophisticate doesn't allow the differences to end the relationship because she doesn't want the one she loves to stop being in her life. ;D